Jokes

a viagra factory in london was recently robbed, police say they dont know the indentity of the people who carried out the raid but they believe they are looking for hardened criminals..

*chuckle* ;) Thats all you're getting!

Man I must have heard a million jokes in my life, but can't remember a single one!

How many schovanistic men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The darn woman needs to learn how to cook in the dark.

Do you know what the problem with "Lifetime" channel is?

It gives woman hope.

What do you get when you cross a midget with a vampire bat?

A short little sucker about yea high(holding hand two feet above the ground)

whats pink and rinkled and hangs out your underpants???

your mother!

quasimodo walks into a bar a says "give me a glass of whisky please"! the barmaid asks "Bells alright??" and quasimodo says "mind your own buisness and pour my drink"!

A Long with another select member.

A drunk brings a friend home from the bar. The friend is surpised to see a giant gong in the drunk's bedroom.
"whaya fukizat? asks the friend.
"Thaz my talkin clock!" the reply
The friend watches with a puzzled look as the drunk picks up the mallet and thrashes the gong.
-- the neighbor screams --
"HEY ASSHOLE IT'S THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!"

Billy, Bob, and Stewie went to Old Man Hubard's fruit orchard at 2 in the morning. They ignored the NO TRESPASSING signs that were posted. THey were going to steal some fruit.
Old Man Hubard heard somethin' and crept down to the gate and waited. Soon enough Billy, and Bob came out of the orchard, arms laden with fruit.
OldMan Hubard directed his shotgun which he had at the boys and told them if they wanted to leave they had to stick his fruit up their ass. So they each did it in turn, Billy had a hundred grapes and he was through in no time. But everytime Bob got up to 99 cherries (he had a hundred) he would start laughing and theyall fell out.
"Boy!? Do YOU F N think this is a game? DO it again!"
So he restarted the process but then again he started laughing at 98 or 99 cherries and they would all fall right back out. Old Man Hubard at this point had reached his end of tolerance and he cocked back the big hammer on his shotgun and said, "Boy if you don't tell me what you think is so funny... then I am gonna shoot you!"
"Okay OKay. ... Don't shoot me. You see, Stewie went to get watermelons!"

a thick man walks into a chemist a asks "Can i have a deoderant please"?? the chemist replies "Would that be the ball type sir??" the man replies "No you idiot its for under my arms"!

here about the religious, dyslexic insomniac??

he lies awake in bed every night wondering if there really is a dog!!

Why did the gays vote for Clinton?

Because they'd rather have an asshole then a Bush.

State Trooper

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that ass hole would've tried that shit with me'!"

Ha ha haaa! Ahh some classics

whats brown and taps on glass???

a baby in a microwave!

whats square, blue and white and swings through the jungle????

Tarzan the fridge wearing denims.

Why did the Condom Fly across the Room?

Because it was Pissed off.

What does Saddam Hussein have in common with
George Bush's Father?

Neither one pulled out in Time.

nice one bill i thought the condom one was hillarious lol

Why did the peanut walk into the police staion???

because it was a salted. lol

two old guys sat on a park bench, after about 10 minutes a ninety eight year old women streaker runs past, one guy says to his friend "What the hell was that" his friend responds "I dont know mate but it needed a bloody good ironing"

LMAO!!! Some funny jokes here guys.

Could You Help?

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child. What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father....next!"

why'z the hippo shake her booty?

Cause the timpani be bangin!

huh?

Hippo Booty - check it out. Kind of a joke track anyway

a rectum walks into a pub and says "a pint of lager and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps please barman"!

the barman says "F@ck you im sick of serving assholes"!

I can think of two other answers to that last joke question Jim.

Tap tap "Im waiting"??? lol

Typical i bloody knew you couldnt resist it lol, i can understand you knowing about the penis one cos i suppose you have one, but you have to turn a woman on to know about hard clee- taurus - is Big LOL....only kidding buddy you know i luv ya lol

Garndma's Boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a
boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long.

The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The
comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the
TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted.

I made this joke up.

Do you know how they made the 1st motherboard?

Well, God told Eve to sit on a tree stump and listen to Adam, while he rattled off the names of all the animals to her.

this is a brain teaser question for you all...

you are walking down a beach, you see two a naked man and woman lying together on the sand... how do you know without a doubt that it is adam and eve.???..

i will be well impressed if anyone can work this out!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

YEAH BABY!!!

Coolboy in the mix.

No. I haven't heard it before. But the scenario reminds me of something i would see on NIptuck. Have you ever watched that show? Do they have it in the UK?

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of
birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't
lose an eye just from bird shit."

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

what winks and f@cks like a tiger???

;)

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for Two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

LOL!! found this on the net the other day, it's about a company's special training programme for it's employees.

NOTICE:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A. T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training of others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L. L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.- S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Yes I tried to get into the HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.- S.H.I.T.) spot, but they said that I would have to start at the SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) level and work my way up, so I declined, lol.

Coolboy in the mix.

LOL!!

LOL!

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station on the other side.

What did the snail say while he was riding on the back of the turtle?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

LOL! Why did the turkey cross the road?
TO prove he wasn't chicken!

3 blondes were talking about how drunk they got the night before. The first blonde was like, "I got soo drunk last night! I couldn't even boil water on the stove!"
"Oh that's nothing!" said the second blonde. "I got so drunk when I went home that instead of boiling water I burnt the house down instead!"
The 3rd blonde was quiet until this point. A big smile spreading across her face.
"I got you both beat! I got soooo drunk last night that I blew chunks in the kitchen, and then didn't even make it to the livingroom before blowing chunks some more. Then I went to the bathroom and finished blowing chunks in the bathtub...on the floor... while sitting on the toilet!"
The other two blondes were perplexed and the third blonde was figuring they weren't getting it.
"You guys? Chunks is my dog!"

:0p

Hur hur hur ;)

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

LOL

lmfao datz a gd 1 man =D

"Can you give me a push?"

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the decent thing to do and help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

This is an account of one of your late night drunken swing sessions isn't it Coolboy?! ;)

LOL! MORE JOKES! :0D

Who was the shortest guy in the BIBLE?

Ne-hi-MIAH

My Showcase

I was like ...what the fuck? (realization hitting next) oh I get it. HEheheMy Showcase

loool I`ve just read this jokes and im ROFL ,hhhh xD

Oh yeah, make sure you get the order of the names correct or it will backfire on you!

Coolboy in the mix

Haha coolboy!! Thats a classic

Learn the truth!

LOL!

LMAO!